Whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

- 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

There is such hope and beauty in the above verse. It reminds me that all shame disappears in God’s glory and when one takes their eyes off themselves.

Another idea I’ve been working with is vulnerability and new growth in a barren and lifeless environment. I believe at the beginning of personal growth and any type of recovery, one must step lightly and be very protective of the “new plant” which is the change and new positive behaviors one is trying to implement in their new life. I find it easy to let life knock me down and crush my spirits and discourage me…that is why I believe we must protect ourselves and cultivate hope, growth, and positive change in our lives.

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And a behind the scenes shot of the lovely Kalina getting ready in the broken down abandoned house we shot in…it was raining all day that day and the house was leaking everywhere!

Some memories are painful. It seems as if one would be better off it they were gone forever… I wish some of my memories were easier to forget. This shoot was inspired by the idea of wiping the slate clean and burning the pain and anxiety away.

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I’ve also been working with my childhood memories. I remember all throughout my childhood, I held a sense of reverence and wonder about the world and about my play games and imaginary ideas. Everything seemed so simple and clear yet mysterious at the same time. Underlying this sense of awe, was a nagging anxiety. Even as a small child, I had this  fear that something wasn’t quite “right” or that all the beauty around me that I saw could vanish. That drove me to want to hang on to every moment and “remember” everything. I wrote in a lot of journals as a kid, usually writing about beautiful things that inspired me, something I was worried about, or to do lists. I remember one particular entry, when I was about ten, in which I wrote, “I wish I could freeze this moment and keep it forever.” I was writing about a sunset! That need to “capture” moments is what drove me to become a photographer… the passing of time makes me anxious and always has. With photography, I feel as if combating that anxiety by slicing images out of the fleeting moments of life.

This winter has been one of the longest of my life. I cannot pinpoint exactly why, but it just feels that way. So as soon as I saw the sun coming back, I got excited and wanted to shoot some spring inspired shots… there is something so fragile and sweet about the breaking of spring. You begin to hear the birds again, the sun actually shows itself, and it feels so wonderful that you marvel at how you could ever forget how it felt. In a way, when we experience personal growth and are trying to change or recover from something…it is the same. We are vulnerable in a barren place, easily crushed by the grey, rainy days which lead to self doubt, but eventually, like the spring, the healing we hope for will come.

When life seems like utter chaos, one can cope by focusing on what’s in the mirror…following the philosophy, “if I can fix myself, then I can fix what is around me. If I can present an aura of perfection and togetherness on the outside..everything else will fall into place.” But this logic is faulty…  perfection is unattainable and eventually one must acknowledge the external things they cannot control and address what they can.

This shoot was inspired by that idea: chaos, control, and one’s internal identity. The location is in an old, nasty kitchen in an abandoned house. I added the mirrors and a few other props myself.

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For this week’s shoot I was inspired by the idea of shame. There is a difference between guilt and shame. If you’re guilty, it means you’ve done something wrong and it can be amended by taking action or not making the same mistake again. Shame, on the other hand, means one is inherently wrong as a person. As in, “I’ve done something wrong so therefore I must be, at my core, a bad person.” I’ve personally struggled with feelings of shame, wondering if there is just something wrong with me… as if I should be wearing a black veil and crimson as evidence of my wretchedness. But one of my favorite verses in the Bible is found in Psalm 34:5, “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” I am going to continue working with the idea of shame and the radiance that comes from looking to Him.

Sometimes when you look at me, you don’t see the real me but rather my mask. I wear it to cover up my imperfections…my pain…to appear closer to the “perfect” I feel I should be. I think that it protects me; if no one can see the real me, then there is no risk of rejection…I am safe in my prison of perfection. But it is all a lie. I am still just as vulnerable with the mask on…it doesn’t protect me put rather separates me from the real love of people who would care about me, imperfections and all. Trying to cover up my wounds doesn’t help either. As I once heard…”wounds have to be left open to heal.”  So I am taking off my mask, embracing all life’s joys and pains… I no longer need to pretend perfect, for God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but loves us for just being. The verse that speaks to me is Roman’s 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

A special thanks to my model Emily for braving the cold and wet snow for me…you are awesome girl!

More photos…behind the scenes and outtakes >>>

I’ve been away for quite some time, and it is great to be creating new work again! I took a break to reevaluate and prioritize some things in my life, and now I have much more of a focused vision and direction for my senior thesis project. I was fortunate enough to be able to photograph in a “jail cell” over the course of winter break (it’s not really a jail but rather a museum with some mock “women’s cells”). This past month, as I was reflecting and working through some of the issues I’ve dealt with for most my life, I realized the expectations I put on myself and the standards of perfection I put on my body make me a slave to a relentlessness master…because perfection can never be achieved. I do not presume to be alone in this quest for perfection, as many women have struggled with perfectionism particularly in regards to their own bodies. I came to realize that my constant quest for perfection left me in fear; I was stuck in a prison of my own making. I traded balance for bondage rather than freedom and peace (which I so desperately wanted)… This series of images is meant to illustrate that idea…the idea that addiction (yes, perfectionism can be an addiction) will suffocate one’s freedom…that it will lie to one and entice one with open doors offering what looks like protection but is really bondage… I believe addictions, thought patterns, habits that are harmful can become so second nature that they feel “safe” and familiar…that is why we return…even though they never end well.

However, I also wanted to illustrate a source of hope in these photos. In the image below…extraneous light from the window is entering to give the prisoner hope and courage.

A few unedited shots from the shoot >>>>

As I began this photographic project, I didn’t anticipate it becoming such a personal journey. As I have recalled and recollected my memories, I have had to face some of my deepest fears and struggles. I have reached a point in my life where change is necessary and welcome. Instead of running from pain, I have turned around and faced it…facing your fears and embracing your imperfections leads to growth, change, and a new beginning. I am reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

2 Corinthians 5:17

I believe each person have specific moments in their lives in which they can feel change…almost as if the memory of this day will remain forever as a chapter marker in the story book of my life. I am excited for what God has in store for me and where further artistic exploration and the continuation of my project will take me.

I’ve been going through some personal turmoil lately… I’m reminded of the verse in the Bible that says:  “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18). I wanted to use color symbolically…red and white as purity and sin. If you look closely at the images, you will notice a hand in the window, reaching toward the figure inside. There were times in my life in which I felt I was being pulled, trapped by a behavior that I knew was wrong, but I didn’t know how to stop. That is like sin; it offers a counterfeit, a false beauty that is appealing but  stains the purity of God’s grace and separates us from what we long for most.

On a technical note, most of these images are a combination of three to four different exposures (one for the hand through the window, one for the “mist” which is actually baking flour, and one for the pose, and then in the above photo, one for the rose petals). Below are some images that I didn’t spend as much time on editing…and a video tour of the creepy abandoned house a friend of mine and fellow artist was kind enough to direct me to so I could do this shoot.